I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
