I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
