Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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