I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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