The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We have so much sex to catch up on
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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