Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
