no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
