Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
