I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize