I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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