hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
