found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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