i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize