He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
