I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
