i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
