I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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