my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
