i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
