The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
