I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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