new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
