There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
