if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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