my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Randomize
