All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
