what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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