I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
