Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
