in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
