I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
