In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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