your parents love me but you hate me
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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