Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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