Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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