How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
