your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So much Jack, so little girl.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
