I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
