I hate your face
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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