Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
