It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
