Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
did i walk over a car last night?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize