He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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