conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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