you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We had to coat check the pizza.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
