it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
