is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
