Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
