1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize