I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
