4 words: hood of his car
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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