THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
