how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
