If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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