Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
